How young is too young?

Most of you probably know that I am a proponent for moms parenting when possible. While I understand that relinquishment and adoption will sometimes be necessary, I believe unnecessary adoptions happen all too often. Still, when considering a very young teen, things are not so clear to me.

That's why I love this article about a Marilyn DeAlba, a mom who gave birth at 13, is parenting her son, and is now going on to college. It's an excellent example of what can happen when a young mom wants to parent and has the support to do so.

Support is critical. Without it, a teen will stand a very slim chance of being able to provide adequately from a financial standpoint, and let's face it, teens still need some amount of parenting themselves. Additionally, parents can help their teen transition into her new role by providing needed mentoring and accountability. Certainly the situation is not without difficulty, but family support greatly impacts the success of a teen who wishes to parent. Upon her graduation from high schools, DeAlba's brother, Enrique DeAlba, is quoted as saying, "We're all very proud of her. We stay together and that's what makes us a good family. We're all there for each other." I think he sums that up quite well.

Still, I'll concede that family support alone is not enough to enable a teen, particularly a young teen, to parent well. At some point they themselves have to change their frame of mind from one of child to parent, and they have to be willing to put in the effort that parenting requires. But the point is that they can. If they are willing to make those steps, they can do it, and society does them a disservice by assuming from the get go that they can't or won't.

DeAlba's son was born with some challenges due to stress at birth, making her transition into motherhood all the more daunting. Furthermore, she faced additional challenges simply because of her youth, yet the 13 year old confronted her difficulties with determination. The linked article, by Theresa Harrington of the Contra Costa Times, says this:

Three weeks after Chris was born, DeAlba brought him home, where they holed up together in her bedroom.

"At first, I was sad, depressed and stressed," she said. "I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone with my baby. I would take my (doctor-prescribed) Vicodin. I didn't eat. I was in a lot of (post-Caesarean) pain. I dropped 40 pounds."

But she didn't give up on her son. And she realized that to help him, she had to show the world that she was responsible enough to take care of him.

"I was dealing with a lot of social workers," she said. "They thought I was an unfit mother because of my age. They were just making assumptions. That made me have even stronger feelings that I needed to prove people wrong. So, I did."

Though DeAlba seems content with her decision to parent, her success has not come without sacrifice. This loss of loss of freedom during the teen years is yet another factor that causes many to advocate for placing in cases like DeAlba's. It isn't fair, they say, for the mom to lose out on those years and be forced to grow up so soon. If she relinquishes, she can go on with her life, and be a kid like she's supposed to. And baby can have a mom who's ready to parent. It's all very win-win.

But you know, I think there's more going on here. I think, particularly in regards to extremely young women such as DeAlba, society dismisses possibility of normal maternal emotions occurring. It's as though, because they are practically children themselves, they're not really mothers.

DeAlba nips this thinking in the bud.

Although social workers said DeAlba could give Chris up for adoption, she never considered that.

"There was this love, this connection, this bond," she said. "I wouldn't go through all that pain and all that suffering with my family to give up. I'll do anything in my power to keep me and my son together."

Um, yeah. Maybe it really is that simple.